Quotes of Duncan

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Duncan's colorful choice of words, loaded with vulgarity, wit, and often both, made him the most famous and infamous victim soundboard victim of all time.[1] Duncan's lines can be divided between his classic lines (most of which were attained early) and his subsequent lines, (which occasionally contained racist and xenophobic sentiment) whose shorter existence explain their lesser fame, although several of them have become classics in their own right, particularly those derived from calls made by 666j1, among others.

Classic lines[edit]

  • Hello, asshole!
  • I'm doing alright, how are you?[2]
  • Well, I don't give a shit![2]
  • Do what?
  • You stupid son of a bitch, this is a business phone—get off of it![2]
  • Listen, you stupid cocksucker, can't you take a hint? I don't wanna talk to you.'[2]
  • Oh, fuck you, you stupid son of a bitch![2]
  • Oh, fuck you, you stupid COCKSUCKER![2]
  • Oh! You stupid son of a bitch....
  • Y-you're outta your mind, buddy! I don't even have a 'dozer, and I don't do dirt work!
  • You...you got the wrong guy, buddy! I don't even have a 'dozer!
  • Listen, you tongue-tied son of a bitch, ain't you got something better to do?!'[2]
  • Asshole.'[2]
  • Now, listen, you stupid son of a bitch, I never called you before and, goddamnit, you... bitch about it every third day you call me, so fuck you!'[2]
  • You goddamn stupid bastard, you! I get tired o' listenin' to you.
  • Are you that same son of a bitch who don't have nothin' better to do but fuck with me, every time he call?[3]
  • This is Frank Garrett.
  • Don't call me anymore, you stupid cocksucker.
  • Oh, you goddamn stupid son of a bitch, you.[2]
  • HELLO‽ '[2]
  • Yeah! I'll bet you say that out there, five-hundred miles away, you motherfucker, you!
  • That's what I said, yeah.
  • Y'know, uh...I think you're kinda...pullin' my leg, lady. I got somethin' better to do than listen to you.'[2]
  • Oh, go to hell!'[2]
  • Stupid son of a bitch, I'm gettin' tired of your shit!'[2]
  • Sittin' around, watching the worms crawl outta your momma's pussy?
  • Hey, has your momma still got, uh... worms crawlin' out her pussy?
  • Well, you dummy! Did your momma not give you any toys to play with, when you was young?
  • I'm havin' trouble hearin' ya; I'm on a cellphone.
  • Hey lemme tell ya how I feel: Fuck you!
  • I can't understand ya.
  • [When the soundbite was used on him for the first time] Can you understand this? FUCK YOU!

The following quotes are from Biff Tannen calls a Construction Company

  • Did your momma let you outta your cage again, goddamnit?
  • Hey, uh, they let you outta your fuckin' cage again?!
  • Did they turn you outta your fuckin' cage again, or what??!
  • Hello, you son of a bitch! They let you out of your cage again, didn't they?
  • Ya know, you gotta be the stupidest son of a bitch I ever met!
  • Get in hell, buddy! You're about a dumb bastard, anyway.
  • Oh, go to hell, you son of a bitch, I got you figured out!
  • You're from the insane asylum, aren't ya?
  • What time they close the door down at the nuthouse?
  • They let you outta that nuthouse again, you stupid motherfucker?!
  • What you gotta find out if I don't wanna talk to you, motherfucker?!
  • Stupid son of a bitch, you! I'm gonna get you one of these days and... break your goddamn neck!
  • You son of a bitch, I thought you'd died!

The following six quotes are taken from Redneck Bitch calls Duncan

  • Well... First of all, I haven't called your house; and second of all, I don't know whether you're stupid or not.
  • The telephone just rang, and I answered it, and it was you. Explain that one to me!
  • Well, hell, You're just a baby! I'm seventy-two!
  • Well, hell yeah, you just got through callin' me!
  • I don't give a shit who you call!
  • Well, whoopee!
  • You the one that called, you ignorant bastard, you!
  • I don't drink! Don't need to; too damned old.
  • Who are ya, buddy? Do I know ya?
    • I don't know ya? Well, how did you select me to be your... goat?
  • I accept your apology. 'preciate it if you wouldn't do it anymore.
  • Ah, my best friend! How are ya, buddy?
  • Yeah! Get on that phone! Call me everything ya want to!1 You know where I live, 'cause ya get my telephone number. Why don't ya come down and see me?2Break you from a goddamn habit.3[4]
  • *ahem* Things pretty dry up around your house? Nothin' to do, 'sides fuck with me?
  • What do you want, you ignorant son of a bitch? This is about the fourth call you've made today.
  • [Again responding to the preceding line being debuted against him]: No, it's the third one, ya dumbshit!
  • Well, we're just, uh, polebarn builders; we don't do remodelin' stuff.
  • What do you want, dummy?!
  • Hello, you stupid motherfucker, you!
  • Well, you'll probably be gettin' a visit from the FBI, buddy. So you just keep a-callin' and makin' a damn nuisance of yourself and we'll see.[5]
  • I'm gonna hang up on ya! I'm gonna hang up on ya! You don't tell me what to do.
  • Oh, fuck you, you ignorant son of a bitch!
  • Howdy!
  • I'm on here!
  • Oh, piss...
  • Do you know what you're gonna do when you get outta your goddamn wheelchair? You're gonna fall, you son of a bitch, and I hope you do.

Newer lines[edit]

This is an incomplete list, as the circumstances likely prohibit a definitive and complete list.
  • [Excerpts from an unreleased call by Mr88Nismo]
    Well, so what, you stupid son of a bitch?! Don't you usually answer yours when it rings?! Oh, you silly son of a bitch, practicin' law without a license is illegal! Fuck you, fuck you... Who the fuck you think you're kiddin' you stupid son of a bitch, you? Hey let me tell ya! Right now, I'm gonna tell you this: it's none of your fuckin' business. Fuck you and your clients and all that shit! You must think I'm the dumbest son of a bitch you ever met!

    [Nismo responds that he doesn't]
    Well, I think you are!
  • Hi! This is Frank Garrett with Duncan Construction, I uh, noticed I missed your calls.
  • Aw, you goddamn little snotty-nosed, pimple-faced cocksucker, you!
  • You goddamn stupid son of a bitch!
  • Fuck you, pimple-head!
  • [Re: Darth Vader's "Did your men deactivate the hyperdrive on the Millennium Falcon?"]
    Oh, fuck you, fat boy!
  • What's your waist size?"
  • [That's] what I'm thinkin', you ignorant son of a bitch, you.
  • Did you think that up while you was in the closet masturbatin' or somethin'?
  • What can I do for you?
  • The man with the mouth full of shit again.
  • You people up there eat shit for dinner, or what?
  • Still got that same mouth full of shit, haven't ya?
  • If you don't get that goddamn shit out of your mouth and wash it out, I'm gonna...quit talkin' to ya, god, uh...damnit.
  • I'm better than you are, probably. I don't have to hide behind a goddamn telephone to aggravate people at seven o' clock in the morning.
  • I'm better than you, but I'm alright.
  • Some stupid son of a bitch.
  • You know what you're gonna do when you get outta your goddamn wheelchair? You're gonna fall, you son of a bitch, and I hope you do!
  • Ya know somethin', you stupid son of a bitch?! If you had a job, you wouldn't even be here!
  • [Sounding defeated] 'Yeah... And you, too, asshole..."
  • What do you want, you silly son of a bitch, you?!
  • Oh, piss on you!
  • You goddamn stupid cocksucker, you! Is this all you got to do?!
  • Have you got somethin' on your mind? Do you have a mind?
  • Well, I... first of all, I haven't called your house. And second of all, I don't know whether you're stupid or not.
  • And you're callin' my house phone and callin' me names, so...you just call whoever you want to.
  • Well, whoopie!
  • Oh, fuck you, Charles!
  • Charles, I'm gonna come over there and fuck your head up one of these days, if you don't quit messin' with me!
  • I'll bet you're real tough in Livermore, California, aren't ya?
  • Don't you have anything to do in Florida?
  • You're tough in Denton, Texas, ain't ya?
  • I don't drink, you stupid son of a bitch!
  • [Re: Chris the Hacker's "You're a narcissist/got a personality disorder" line]
    You got a SHITHEAD, you know that?!
  • That's what I'd do, asshole.
  • I hear ya. You're in New York, you don't scare me too fuckin' much.
  • Hey, you sick son of a bitch, why don't you get a job and leave me alone?
  • Silly son of a bitch, why don't you get a job?
  • Why don't you get you a real job, you cocksucker, you?
  • You sick son of a bitch, you.
  • You sick son of a bitch, why don't you go to bed?
  • Oh, you... twisted son of a bitch, you.
  • Oh, you stupid son of a bitch! Is that all you can say, "hello"?!
  • Hey, fuck you, you Yankee-lickin' cocksucker, you!
  • [Addressing 666j1] "Let me tell you something, Mr. Smoothie: you get fucked and leave me alone! Just quit callin' here, that'll solve your problem!
  • That little stupid son of a bitch has been prank callin' me for six months.
  • I don't even know the son of a bitch, but I'd like to.
  • You tell that skinny-lickin' son of a bitch, he knows where I live.
  • Well, hell! He has two pictures of it!
  • You wanna get in on it too, motherfucker? Or are ya too damn scared?
  • Well, you've got one, [if] ya don't quit callin', you stupid son of a bitch, you.
  • Will you quit callin' my work number, you stupid motherfucker?
  • Oh, fuck! I'm in the hospital! Get off my goddamn back, will ya?
  • Hey, you ignorant son of a bitch, I'm laid-up here in the hospital, so get off my back, will ya?
  • I don't have a wife OR any daughters! And I know one piece of shit: He's on the other end of this line!
  • Get ya some more dope, ya dumbshit!
  • Well, chicken-shit! I hope your fuckin' cancer patient dies!
  • I hope you get cancer!
  • I'll bet you got exactly two friends: your mama and you. And I'm not even sure your mama likes ya.
  • Hey, asshole, aren't you a little bit old to be playin' pranks?
  • You goddamn counterfeit son of a bitch, you.
  • [imitating Duke Nukem] "Well daaaamn, how do you know, you son of a bitch? You're probably big and fat, ya couldn't even see me!
  • Quit callin' me, you crazy bitch!
  • Y'know something? Fuck you!
  • [to Mr88Nismo] "Well! If it ain't my gravel-voiced friend again! You little fat-bellied son of a bitch, you, I ought to kill you."
  • 'Ol Gravel Voice again, huh?
  • Well, what would ya call it? I don't like ya and I don't want to talk to ya, so what the hell would ya call it? I'd call it a prank call.
  • Oh, shit! You son of a bitch, you're not even smart enough to read a book, let alone be a lawyer!
  • Well, I don't care whether you quit callin' or not! You could die and I'd be happy.
  • I want you to dieee. [His voice trailing off on the final vowel]
  • Get mad and show your ass.
  • What do you want, asshole?!
  • Oh, you stupid son of a bitch! You don't even know what you're talking about.
  • Ya know, you ain't said two words that weren't...vulgar or cuss words.
  • Got ya, didn't I, bud?
  • So, don't call. I don't want to talk to ya.
  • And, I don't even really give a shit.
  • Fuck you, I don't even like you!
  • I don't usually work in Oklahoma, anyway.
  • No, I work in Kansas and Missouri.
  • I don't even advertise in Texas, how'd you get my name?
  • You must be from Kentucky, you inbred son of a bitch, you!
  • Hey, piss on ya, California cat...outlaws.
  • I'm not callin' anyone. What number are you callin'?
  • Ya know somethin'? I don't give a shit if you're from Alaska! Piss on ya!
  • Yeah...I've heard this before. What's that supposed to do, scare me?
  • I'm the meanest son of a bitch in nine counties.
  • No, it ain't fuck me, it's FUCK YOU!
  • Well, who in the hell do you want it to be?
  • No, it ain't "Frank Gary".
  • You're still having trouble with your speech. What the fuck's wrong with you? Are you retarded or something?
  • Looks about the same as you, you dumb bitch.
  • I'm sittin' here in Charlie's Chicken eatin' dinner [unintelligible]. You wonder if I got a life; what kinda life you got?
  • Look, you stupid son of a bitch, don't call me no more!
  • Why don't you call the police? 'Cause I haven't called ya! I know where you're from, you're from California, ya stupid bitch.
  • Get 'em, mouthy! Get ya another nose full 'o dope, or somethin'!
  • You're the one that's---you're the one that's doin' the callin', you stupid motherfucker! You live in California, I done know everything about ya, hell with ya. Piss on you! Come down here and whip my ass or somethin', would ya?!
  • I'm not comin' over there, but your---your lil' 'ol telephone calls don't excite me. And your mouth don't either.
  • Ya know, you look like---I can't see ya, but I just imagine you as bein' a puny motherfucker.
  • Would you hurry? Would you hurry and call 'em?
  • Okay, that'd do me a favor.
  • I don't give a shit who I'm talking to.
  • No, I live in Stilwell!
  • Yeah...I just got one.
  • Well, it shows six-six-one, by area code, and then a bunch of other numbers...it's about the third one I've got this mornin'...from this number.
  • Well, it could be! But what do you want to call and give me hell for? I'm not doin' it.
  • Hello yourself.
  • I don't give a damn if you're the National Guard. I can hear ya, yeah!
  • You're fadin' out, buddy. Don't move your head.
  • I don't give a shit who you are.
  • Well, Sergeant...let me tell you something, Sergeant Linsky, this call was initiated from somewhere else, so piss on you.
  • Get 'em, bucket-mouth! You got 'em!
  • Get 'em, Retardo!
  • Get it, delinquent! Get it on!
  • You make me wanna laugh, you son of a bitch.
  • I don't know what you're talkin' about, you can't do a damn thing for me.
  • I don't give a shit about nobody but me.
  • I was pretty good 'till you called.
  • I'll bet you're the ugliest son of a bitch in nine counties.
  • Ignorant son of a bitch! You ain't got enough guts to even tell ya who you are, let alone come see me.
  • I'd like to kick your ass, too, and that ain't gonna happen, is it?
  • You sound like you're old as I am and I think I'd have a shot at ya.
  • NO WAY am I gonna give that out to a total stranger.
  • Look, asshole! I got enough money to burn a wet mule with! What the hell would I want your money for?! You ain't got any anyway.
  • Speak up, you stupid son of a bitch! I can't even understand ya.
  • I don't give a shit if you're King Kong!
  • Hide behind the phone, Unknown!
  • It's the same son of a bitch, just got through callin' me! Goddamn retarded motherfucker, you.
  • Hey, fuck you! I recognize your voice! [to Mr88Nismo pretending to be a prospective client]
  • What are you, some kind of clown or somethin'?
  • Yeah, you probably even look like one. My name is Frank Garrett and I live in Stilwell, Oklahoma. Come down and visit me and call me all them names.
  • Uh huh, that's what I thought.
  • Since you're the sheriff, let me give you a message: you go square to hell, Okay?
  • Are you still the sheriff?
  • How would you like to kiss my ass?
  • Well, ha ha. Whisper in the phone you little...idiot!
  • Uh...you must think you're talking to someone that really...can be scared of you and I don't think I have that problem.
  • You haven't got any friends. You're probably crippled or you'd be...out on the job.
  • Wheelchair working?
  • That's what I thought you'd say. Your mama should be real proud of ya.
  • Don't have one! She died twenty years ago.
  • You're still...you're still whisperin', idiot!
  • Get wild, maybe you'll have a heart attack! Get loud!
  • Maybe you'll have a blood clot that'll kill ya and drag ya on dead.
  • Crap? That's the...blood.
  • Well, quit callin' if you don't like it! I don't like you, anyway.
  • You ain't gonna do nothin'. You're gonna...sit up in Minnesota and hide behind that telephone, thinkin' ya done somthin' real big. Come down and beat on my door, then fight me!
  • Bring your wheelchair when you come, will ya?
  • That's been goin' on for two or three years. They're not using my phone, they're using my number.
  • And who are you? By the way.
  • No, but if you don't tell me who you are, I'm gonna hang up on you. You may be one of them same ones.
  • Goddamnit! I wanna know who you are!
  • No, I OWN Duncan Construction!
  • That's none of your fuckin' business! Who are ya, goddamnit?!
  • Oh, piss on you! I just wanna know who you are.
  • Goddamn, mealy-mouth son of a bitch! Who are you?!
  • So what?! N'ya n'ya n'ya! I wanna know who you are, goddamnit.
  • No, but I'd kick your ass if I could get close to you!
  • Well, you've got another one that's irate! What the fuck you callin' this number for?!
  • Hey, you little mouthy son of a bitch, are you gonna tell me who you are?
  • ARE YOU GONNA TELL ME YOUR NAME?! AND WHO YOU REPRESENT?!
  • Hey...listen...you stupid son of a bitch! Get off this recording and uh...get a ri...get a life, will ya?!
  • Hey what?
  • That's what I thought! You're one of them cocksuckers.
  • Ain't you got something you could be doing, like washing your body?
  • Why don't you go give somebody some pussy and get this off your mind, would ya?
  • They call that a "grudge-fuck" in Oklahoma.
  • Are you the one selling pussy?
  • Oh, fuck you, bitch! How many kids you got?
  • For what? For bein' a goddamn whore?
  • Whoresville, Oklahoma.
  • That's probably none of your motherfuckin' business, you goddamn cheap whore, you!
  • You gotta get on the phone to sell pussy?
  • I'm not callin' there, piss on ya! What are you callin' here for?
  • What you got on your mind, asshole?
  • So you can read, goddamnit! What else you want to know?
  • Yeaah! You bet!
  • I'm in Oklahoma, and you ain't gonna come get me; and I'm not gonna come out there and get you, but I don't like ya.
  • Yeah, well let me tell ya something: I'm sittin' here in a hotel...uh, Services, Family Services...and, uh...that's what I'm lookin' at...is you and your damn callin'.
  • How would you like to kiss my little fat ass?
  • Hey, I'll bet you're an old fat woman, aren't ya? And you're probably ugly, too.
  • Oh, you...stupid son of a bitch! Get ya....get a real life!
  • I told you once, I don't have...dirt-moving equipment.
  • What are you gonna do, just make me...be real rude to ya, or what?
  • Don't quit your day job, ya stupid bitch! [response to Chris-chan's awful singing]
  • Uh, that'll be good! Let me help ya! I've got a...extra pistol, I'll just loan it to ya. [re: Sal: "I'm gonna kill myself!"]
  • Yeah! No, I wanna---I wanna help ya with it.
  • Why don't you get a real job, you...fuckin' clown?
  • This is not a recordin', this is ME, you...gravel-voiced son of a bitch! I know who it is. [apparently decided that Sal was really Mr88Nismo]
  • Yeah, you! Ya motherfucker. [re: Sal: "Do you have a problem?"]
  • You are a fuckin' problem-jack.
  • I don't give a shit how ya feel. Just quit callin' this damn number.
  • Hey fat boy, quit callin' this number!
  • I don't give a shit what ya do! Call 'em, ya cocksucker.
  • Hey! Hey, hey, I don't call you those names! Let me tell YOU somethin': fuck you.
  • I don't give a shit! You don't sound like a policeman, I'm--I still think I'd kick your ass if you'd get close to me.
  • You goddamn stupid cocksucker, you! Is this all you got to do?!
  • I don't drink, you stupid son of a bitch.
  • What the hell you talkin' about?
  • You know what I got to say? There'll be no interview and you can tell that motherfucker...that if you want to. [Reaction when informed that Charles was claiming to have a recorded interview with him]
  • No, I got the right number, uh...you callin' my office, too. And you may be crazier than me!
  • Run that by me again? You talk a little fast for me.
  • I never did figure out where you's from.
  • I didn't solicit this call, what do you got on your mind?
  • Well...shit! I'm from Stilwell, Oklahoma, too!
  • Well, that's a...pretty small building and, uh...I'm a...I don't have any dirt-moving equipment, so probably lets me out.
  • I-I'm not talkin' to ya, 'cause I'm not gonna build your buildin', so...I'm not gonna give ya somethin' to go by.
  • Nope! I'm sure there's some around, but I don't know 'em off-hand.
  • I'll bet you're a fuckin' idiot, too.
  • Deputy Martin, how would you like to kiss my little fat ass?
  • I got a problem with you, you son of a bitch! Can't you take "no" for answer?! I don't want to talk to ya!
  • Hey, you retarded motherfucker, get off the phone, will ya?
  • You stupid motherfucker! You couldn't even find your way to Oklahoma.
  • Oh, you stupid bitch! You probably couldn't even find the way.
  • Speak-up, you stupid son of a bitch! I can't even understand ya.
  • I'm not even married, you stupid motherfucker, you.
  • I'll bet you're a lazy son of a bitch, aren't you? Because you don't have a job, you couldn't have one. And you're fat, to boot. Ugly.
  • Have you taken a good look at yourself in the mirror? You're an aggravatin' son of a bitch, ya know it?
  • Yeah, I can tell, you motherfucker, you!
  • I don't care! That's not what I'm...searchin' for. I'm just tryin' to make a livin', like everybody else! And...idiots like you that call in on a business phone... it really makes it difficult.
  • I don't give a shit about nobody but me.
  • You know what? Hang on just a minute, buddy. You know what I got to say? Fuck you.
  • Oh, you... retarded son of a bitch, you.
  • You mealy-mouthed, pimple-faced cocksucker, you!
  • You little... wormy-lickin' cocksucker! I'll talk to you the way I want to!
  • (Following repeated harassment from the "Wormy-lickin'" TTS software and Rick) Okay, okay. I'll say something to make you shut your goddamn mouths: FUCK YOU!
  • [imitating Rick mockingly] Blah, blah. "Cat got your tongue, you bastard?"...that's all you can say, you stupid...illiterate motherfucker, you!
  • Same caller ID! Same caller ID, comes up about twenty times a day! I know you, you [static]...motherfucker, you!
  • Well, no shit! If I did, I'd probably break your goddamn neck.
  • Ha ha ha ha. You little... stupid cocksucker! You don't sound like you're old enough to drive, so it'd be a bit hard to find you.
  • You're actually a teenager. Why does that not surprise me?
  • You got trouble with your voice, haven't ya?
  • I've got...a life. It's you that don't have a life! You...you probably run around in a goddamn wheelchair, with one leg up and one leg down.
  • I don't have any fans.
  • Well, fuck! You're the only...stupid son of a bitch that calls me!
  • No, there's not! You just...you, uh...in your wildest dreams!
  • Well, big fuckin' deal! Where do you live?
  • Well, whoopie, Kai-yai, yo.
  • You're callin'...' cause you ain't got nothin' else to do, or nobody to talk to, so fuck you.
  • You ain't gonna get nobody in jail, 'cause you'll be the first one there.
  • Sugar Creek, Missouri.
  • Not callin' ya, I'm just sayin', I know where ya live.
  • You've got the block scared, but you ain't got me scared, big boy!
  • You don't frighten me.
  • You ain't scared me, yet.
  • I'm waitin' for you to show up!
  • You're mutterin' again, goddamnit. You scared?
  • Callin' about twenty times a day! I don't know why you not... you'd say that!
  • About twenty a day, for the last thirty days.
  • You're a idiot.
  • Well, I don't give a goddamn! I'll give it to ya: Nine-one-eight, six-nine-six, two-seven-eight-eight.
  • Ol' Google got ya, didn't it?
  • Have you got a little shit in your mouth? I can't understand ya.
  • I still can't understand ya! Get that shit out of your mouth, ya motherfucker!
  • Pretty good, for an old man.
  • Hello to you, too, bubba!
  • No, that's you, you stupid cocksucker! (RE: Rick: "I've been sitting here on the fuckin' TV and computer...")
  • The hell you lookin' for me, for?
  • Ugly bitch like you couldn't be MY daughter, I'm a pretty good-lookin' guy.
  • I don't give a goddamn, you ugly son of a bitch, you! I...I wouldn't blame ya!
  • Look, bitch, anything past "hello" is too damn much conversation. Goodbye.
  • Is this that ugly son of a bitch, again?
  • Hey, you... goddamn bastard! I'm gonna have trouble 'cause I'm a man!
  • Nyah, nyah, nyah. I'll bet you're an ugly son of a bitch!
  • Route 1, Box 127
  • [Mocking his own soundboard, itself a clip of gibberish mockery] Nyahh, yourself! Like WAHHH!
  • You got pimples on your face?
  • HEY! You got pimples on your face?
  • You got pimples on your ass?
  • You got pimples all over YOU, goddamnit! Who in the hell you think I'm talkin' to?
  • Oh, fuck you! Go get... smoke another joint!
  • I don't want one, I can't even read.
  • Well, you'd better not deliver 'em [pizzas], 'cause I didn't order 'em.
  • Hey, let me tell you somethin': fuck you.
  • I wish you'd get a new recording. This is old, son of a bitch, I'm wore out with it.
  • Oh, you... goddamn, dumb, stupid son of a bitch, you.
  • Talk up, you son of a bitch!
  • You little cocksucker! You little pimple-face cocksucker, you!
  • Bleh bleh bleh! You lost your voice, didn't ya?
  • Bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh! You got shit in your mouth, boy, or what?! Speak up, goddamnit!
  • Speak up, you little son of a bitch, you! Don't be ashamed! You're hiding in your damned... basement... so your mama won't know you're on the computer... makin' obscene calls! Bet she's proud o' you!
  • I'll bet your mama's really proud of you, isn't she?
  • That's my line!
  • That's my line, buddy! Get you one of your own.
  • That's my line, goddamnit! Leave it alone.
  • That's my line... you leave it alone!
  • That's my line! That's my line! You leave it alone, goddamnit.
  • That's my line, too; leave it alone. Can't you think of something original, you little cocksucker, or are you too dumb?!
  • There you are with that shit in your mouth again!
  • You little cowardly cocksucker! Don't quit your day job, 'cause you don't do well at changing your voice.
  • Blah blah blah! I'll shut it, say it!
  • You're mutterin' again, goddamnit, speak up.
  • You're a lying son of a bitch! I'm Frank Garrett.
  • You little pimpled-faced cocksucker, you! Why don't you go find somebody else to bother?
  • What about John Garrett?
  • What about Thomas Wilson?
  • Well, no shit! Wouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out.
  • Who are you and where do you live? And turn that fuckin' tape recorder off.
  • You're a little bit old to be makin' prank phone calls, aren't ya, cocksucker?
  • Usually, it's them fourteen, fifteen-year-old, pimple-faced bastards that want to do that.
  • You're talkin' like you got a... mouth full o' shit; I can't understand ya!
  • No... but my momma's been dead for thirty years, you little motherfucker, you.
  • How about your momma? She still alive?
  • [Re: Rick's "My momma's dead, sir..."] Your momma's dead? Hell, mine's been dead for thirty years, it don't make me a hero.
  • If your momma's alive, I'll bet she's REALLY proud o' you.
  • You little... silly son of a bitch, you! You're not a rocket scientist yourself.
  • My God, where'd you find that?
  • Well, I don't know where you're from, buddy... but I know that you don't scare me, and I probably will sleep good tonight.
  • I don't give a shit! Put him on there.
  • Where's "here?"
  • Oh, you... stupid son of a bitch! You don't have any authority over me, so piss on ya!
  • I don't give a goddamn if you's President of the United States. You don't have any authority, so piss on you!
  • Who said anything about cussing 'em out?
  • Wah wah wah!
  • (Re: Bob Chandler's "I'm from Ruckersville, Virginia" line) - Russellville, Missouri... You know, you Missourians are a little bit dumb.
  • Why don't you just go ahead and die, and that way, you won't have a number?
  • You hateful, aggravating, little, cowardly son of a bitch! You hide behind a telephone - come on out!
  • I don't know what the hell you're talkin' about, I'm not up on all you hippies'... terminology.
  • What do you want, you goddamn idiot?
  • Who ya gonna get on the phone now to listen? One of your fatass buddy... hippy buddies?
  • I've got one...and it's comin' out.
  • What are you, a psychiatrist, or what? You gonna analyze me?
  • The only police department you represent is when you's behind the bars, lookin' out.
  • Well, I hate to break this to you...this news...but you ain't worth shit, little pimple-faced bastard.
  • You're talkin' about California, I'm talkin' about Stilwell! Come on down, you're just about four hours from me.
  • Can I tell ya something, Mr. Policeman? Fuck you!
  • Johnny must be in jail.
  • No, I'm not gonna accept the call!
  • You collect-callin' son of a bitch, you! I'm just...sittin' here talkin' to an idiot, what are you doin?[See Note 2 below]
  • You ain't got much of an education, have you? Second Grade dropout motherfucker, you.
  • I said, you Second Grade dropout motherfucker, you! You ain't got much of an education.
  • Get 'em bucket-mouth, you got it!
  • I'm probably gonna sleep a wink tonight. [See Note 3 below]
  • I said, I'm probably gonna sleep a wink tonight.
  • I'm about a hundred and twenty.
  • I'm talkin' about idiots. Do you fit in that category?
  • Oh, you ain't got the fuckin' clout! Get it! Why don't you call the law and have me arrested? You chicken-shit son of a bitch, that'd be about all you could do, you couldn't do it yourself!
  • Y'know somethin'? You're about one stupid son of a bitch, aren't ya?
  • You little pimple-faced cocksucker! What are you doin', callin' me on Sunday afternoon, for?!
  • You go to hell.
  • Fuck you! You goddamn, mealy-mouth cocksucker!
  • Why don't you get in your shitty pickup and drive down here and let me beat the hell out of ya, then maybe you'll be satisfied.
  • You wormy cocksuck---pimple-face...wormy cocksucker, you!
  • And I'm not...on a first name basis with you, so fuck you.
  • What's your waist size?
  • I'll bet you're a smart son of a bitch, aren't ya?
  • Kiss my goddamn little fat ass, will ya? I know who ya are; you ain't too damned smart.
  • You old fart, you oughtta have a heart attack.
  • Come on down to...my house and see what happens to ya.
  • Rank?! I'm the meanest son of a bitch in nine counties! That rank well enough for you?!
  • You got a wheelchair, or what?
  • Who's this, Simple Simon?
  • Who gives a shit? I wasn't put on the face of this earth to entertain you. Fuck you!
  • Because the motherfucker rang. That's usually what happens, when your...phone rings, you pick it up.
  • What fuckin' difference does it make to you? You writin' a book?
  • Leave that page out, will ya? That page you were gonna put in there.
  • Oh, fuck you, pimple-face.
  • I got mine in order, you motherfucker. Why don't you get yours in order?
  • Come on, you cheap-lickin' son of a bitch, come get me!
  • All the way to Massachusetts, huh?
  • Ya know somethin'? You need to get a job, you stupid son of a bitch.
  • I've got plenty of jobs! It's stupid sons of bitches like you that keep the economy down.
  • Get a job, you stupid motherfucker.
  • Get a job, you silly son of a bitch.
  • I don't give a shit, if you're from New York City! I know where... I know some of your kinfolk, and they're big fuckin' cowards, too.
  • Oh, piss on you...
  • I don't give a goddamn, if you're President Nixon!
  • Piss on you and the horse you rode in on!
  • Bring your fuckin' momma if you want to! [In response to a Jerky Boys soundboard saying "Should I bring my fucking tools?"]
  • (RE: Tiesha repeatedly asking Where you at?) Bring the... bring the whole crowd with you when you come, please.
  • (RE: New York City Cunt: "Are you deaf or stupid?") Neither one; I just like to be left alone, you goddamn foolish bitch."
  • (Re: Police threats from the soundboard) Well, call 'em, goddamnit!
  • Do you masturbate?
  • (Re: Bob Chandler's " I have some Cherokee relatives that live in Oklahoma") What does that make me? A four-eyed alligator?
  • Deputy Duncan, you kiss my goddamn little, fat ass, will ya? I know who you are. [...] Some punk teenagers in Independence, Missouri.
  • "Hey lemme tell ya how I feel: fuck you!"

Call-related lines[edit]

  • Hi, this Frank Garrett with, uh...Duncan Construction. I noticed I missed your calls.
  • I was just returnin' the call that was on my, uh... missed calls.
  • I got your number off the call... missed calls on my caller ID.
  • How'd you get my number?
  • HOW'D YOU FIND MY NUMBER, GODDAMNIT??! That's what I said!
  • How do you get the speakerphone off?
  • You didn't talk to nobody. You called a hundred times... fuckin' time, but you ain't talked to me.
  • You're the cocksucker that called, so piss on ya.
  • I haven't called you, and I don't wanna call ya; don't even wanna talk to ya, so fuck you.
  • Yeaaaah! You know how to talk nasty on the telephone; that don't take much!
  • Hide behind the phone, "Unknown!"
  • You goddamn, sorry little son of a bitch, you! Quit callin' me.
  • I've got your chicken! You're a dick, and you get behind a telephone, and hide and talk all that shit. Why don't you come down and visit me, you little... motherfucker, you?
  • Yeah! Hide behind the telephone and talk all that trash.
  • Yeah, get on that phone! Call me everything you want to!
  • Yeah. Hide behind that old phone and call me all these... ugly names. I'll bet you're a tough little dude.
  • You sure you got one [a purpose for the call]?
  • I didn't call you. But I answered your call.
  • I'm not tryin' to get a hold of anybody, you called me.
  • Lady, I've been trying to call nobody. I've... not even been on the phone this whole morning. (From Redneck Bitch calls Duncan)
  • The telephone just rang, and I answered, and it was you. Now, explain that one to me!
  • You're about one stupid bitch.
  • Oh, you... you're gonna hide behind a telephone, you can't do a fuckin' thing to a man.
  • Uhh, you called me, asshole.
  • Hey, bring your telephone with you...and you can hide behind it while I beat your goddamn head soft.
  • I'm not callin' ya! I hate your fuckin' guts, anyway, and uh...anybody that hides behind a telephone don't scare me at all.
  • You sound like a poor son of a bitch: all ya got is a computer and a telephone!
  • Nooo, I didn't call you. Your phone didn't even ring.
  • I got six calls on here from this number, that's how I got it.
  • "Oh fuck you, you're interruptin my breakfast!"
  • How'd ya get on this line, then?

Inquiries[edit]

  • I didn't call ya, you stupid son of a bitch! What do ya want?
  • What do you want, you stupid motherfucker?
  • Explain this to me: if you're not callin' me, why am I answerin' the telephone?![From Rick calls Frank Part 2]
  • How come my phone rang, just accidental?

Racist and xenophobic lines[edit]

  • You fuckin' Japanese don't even know what a barn is![6]
  • Well, fuck you, and Tokyo, and the horse you rode in on! Y-You do understand that, don't you?[6]
  • What in the fuck would I want to be building a building for you in Tokyo for?! Who in th' shit do you think you are, Jesus Christ or somethin'?[6]
  • Huh?! There you go again, back into that...Japanese shit and I don't understand it![6]
  • I wish you fuckin' niggers would go back to Africa. [Said on two separate occasions][7][8][9]
  • Sounds to me like they might be a bunch of fuckin' niggers or somethin'.[10]
  • Are you part nigger?[11]
  • Oh, you nigger-lickin' son of a bitch, you![2]
  • Hey, you nigger-lipped son of a bitch, you! I'm gettin' tired of you!
  • You thick-lipped, black son of a bitch. Get off the phone![12]
  • What color is your titty? Black?
  • I'll bet your grandmother wasn't white.
  • Listen, you black son of a bitch, why don't you go back to Africa?
  • No, you're the nigger.
  • Listen, you nigger-lovin' son of a bitch, you! Quit callin' me, goddamnit, and you won't have that problem.
  • I don't give a shit, if you're from Bumfuck, Egypt!


Holiday-related lines[edit]

  • Fuck you, and Hanukkah, too![13]
  • Oh, fuck you! Merry Christmas. I hope Santy Claus shits on you!
  • Yeahhh... Merry Christmas, you...cocksucker! I hope your momma gets fucked and your daughter, too.
  • For Christmas, I'd love for you to crawl off and die!
  • I don't need a dozer for Christmas.
  • [when Nismo offered to send him gift cards for Christmas] I'd be afraid they'd be contaminated... with ignorance.
  • You're [as] full of shit as a Christmas turkey, buddy.
  • I think you're as full of shit as a Christmas turkey!
  • Ohh, you lived to tell about it after the New Year, didn't ya?
  • Heeey! And happy Mother's Day to you, idiot!

Religion-related lines[edit]

  • Fuck you and your... religion!
  • I don't give a shit, if you're Jesus Christ.
  • No, it wasn't Jesus. It was you, you motherfucker, you. I'd take some of it [pussy], but I'd beat your old boy up!
  • No, but you ought to, because if I knew where you was, ya little cocksucker, I'd kill ya! [re: Jesus Lady: "Do you know Jesus?"]
  • Yeah, I'll bet Jesus don't know you, does he?
  • Don't want to know him. But you need to!
  • You need to know him, because if I knew where you were, I'd come KILL you, you son of a bitch! You'd have to go somewhere.
  • Well, no shit! And you were appointed to tell me this, right? You were appointed to tell me this, weren't you? You little smart-aleck motherfucker, you! [re: Jesus Lady: "The blood of Jesus is against you."]
  • The blood of Jesus is on your fuckin' head!
  • Maybe you'll bleed to death.
  • Jesus Christ don't keep stupid son of a bitches like you off the phone, so I'm just gonna have to believe in myself.
  • Well, God might as well just go on ahead! Because I've already had my life.
  • You don't sound real religious. The hell you preachin' the gospel about, you stupid bitch?
  • Slow down, goddamnit! What's He gonna do for you?
  • [mocking Charles] Is this a real person? Who in the fuck do you think you have, Jesus Christ?
  • [Mocking the Jesus Lady's "Thank you, Jesus!" quote] Thank you, SHITHEAD!

Intimidation and violence[edit]

  • Y'know somethin', ignorant son of a bitch, you?! You hid behind this phone long enough! Why don't ya come down and see me? I'll bet your mama won't recognize ya when I get through with ya!
  • Hey, buddy? You're real tough when you're hidin' behind that telephone, why don't you come down and see me? I'll beat your head soft."[2]
  • I live in Stilwell; come on down, and I've got a surprise for you, you long-legged motherfucker, you.
  • Well, buddy, I've got a hell of a surprise for you when you show up. [14]
  • Come on down, buddy, I've got a surprise for you.
  • Nyah, nyah, nyah. Hell, I'm not even hard to find. Come on down, you tough motherfucker, and I've got a surprise for you.
  • I'm advising you to shut your fuckin' mouth, or come down and visit me, because I've got a surprise for ya, Deputy, when you do.
  • Come on down, you tough son of a bitch. Have I got a surprise for you.
  • I don't give a shit. Come down! Have I got a surprise for YOU!
  • Well, come on down, you motherfucker, I got a little surprise for you!
  • You don't like me, you got a reason? Come on down and we'll settle it... the old fashioned way: I'll beat your ass up, and you can... go home... and suck your momma's titty, or whatever you need to do.
  • I'm gonna "motherfucker" you, you son of a bitch! Why don't you come down here and visit me? You found my phone number and everything; why don't you come down and visit me?
  • I know what I'd do, if I knew who ya were and where ya worked at.
  • I'd kick your ass, if I knew where you lived.
  • Well, come get me, you goddamn ignorant son of a bitch, and see what happens!
  • Son of a bitch, I wish I was next door to ya! I'd come over and beat the hell out of ya, just for the hell of it.
  • Show your ugly face, you cowardly motherfucker, and see what happens.
  • I'd like to kick YOUR ass.
  • I might just come see YOU [Rick]!
  • Buddy, when it comes to violence, that's... that's where I excel! So come on! Bring your goddamn little, ignorant pimple-face, son of a bitch!
  • You little stupid cocksucker, you ain't tough enough! Come on down!
  • I'll tell you who I am, you motherfucker, and see how tough you are!
  • Come on down here and I'll show ya.
  • "Prob'ly beat you up or something" is right. [in response to why the caller doesn't want to give his name]

Notes[edit]

  • Note 1: Frank had a brief, friendly conversation with his own soundboard, which then turned sour:

*Phone rings* Frank: Duncan Construction. Duncan Soundboard: Ah, my best friend! How are you, buddy? Frank: [Slight pause, then responding in a cheery voice] ...Ah'm okay! Soundboard: *ahem* Things pretty dry up around your house? Frank: Oh... there's a little bit of rain right now, but it's pretty dry... Soundboard: Y'know something? Fuck you. Frank: [sounding defeated] Yeah. And… you, too, asshole...

  • Hangs up*

The call was made in June 2009 by Aerodynamic, who never called Frank again.

  • Note 2: Mr. Nismo used a text-to-speech program to make Frank believe he was accepting a collect call.
  • Note 3: Technically informal English insofar as idiomatic expressions go, it was Frank's way of implying he would not lose any sleep over the prank calls.

References[edit]

  1. A List of Prank Victims
  2. 2.00 2.01 2.02 2.03 2.04 2.05 2.06 2.07 2.08 2.09 2.10 2.11 2.12 2.13 2.14 2.15 Original calls to Duncan Part 1
  3. Denzel Washington calls Duncan
  4. Note: Soundboards traditionally divide this quote into three clips, as noted by the superscripted numbers.
  5. Note: Duncan's very clear enunciation of the government agency's acronym as "Eff Bee Eye" has led to this quote being widely ridiculed and referenced.
  6. 6.0 6.1 6.2 6.3 Japanese Businessman Calls Frank Garrett
  7. Alabama Yokel call Frank Garrett
  8. arnold-schwarzenegger and Alabama Yokel call Frank Garrett
  9. Irate Black Man call Frank Garrett
  10. duncan calls a redneck pawn shop
  11. Original calls to Duncan Part 31
  12. [1]
  13. Ibid. 25
  14. From Rick calls Frank Part 1